Dear Mummy

I was wondering today if it's hard for you? Do you have to decide every day not to call me? Do you walk past the telephone and make a conscious effort not to dial my number.

By going away you made it easy for me. I don't know where you are. I can't make the decision to call you. I don't get the opportunity to regret putting a letter in the box or to drive past your house in case I see you.

I've tried to understand I really have. But you know what I don't think I ever will. My child is the most important thing in my life. I hate it when he goes away without me - or if I go away without him. He comes first. That's before me. Before my husband. Before anything or anybody. I'll always be there for him.

You know what that's like. Your Mother was an angel here on earth. She was always there for you. It didn't matter what you did she was just there. That's the kind of Mother I want to be.

This week I've been thinking about you a lot. Partly because of my courageous and wonderful friend Anne. For the first time in my life I feel as if somebody understands how I feel. Partly because it's 39 years since we first met - mother and daughter.

You taught me to knit and as I sit tonight knitting the tears rolling down my cheeks I wonder if we shall knit together again - daughter and mother.

Lots of Love
Samantha