Monday, May 30, 2011

Playlist of my life

Whilst pregnant with me each time certain music came on the radio my Mum was violently sick.

When I was seven I would go shopping with my Mum and refuse to go into shops where music was playing. I was sat on the doorstep of a shop in Leeds when I heard Elvis had died - or rather I heard the women in the shop sobbing

I still have a hatred of the song Popcorn and also of Bright Eyes (the soundtrack to Watership Down). If accidentally heard either of these songs can induce a full blown panic attack - even thinking about them now is inducing anxiety.

It may seem from this small snapshot into my musical life that I don't like music.

In fact nothing could be further from the truth. I adore music. I married music - well actually I married a DJ but there are times when it is hard to tell the two apart.

I can vividly remember times of my life by just hearing one song................

Live it up - Mental as Anything - I'm 17, at boarding school, sneaking bottles of wine into dorm, playing hockey and having fun.

China in my Hand - T'Pau - first true love, broken heart, sobbing

Amoureuse - Kiki Dee - .................... ; )

Streets of Philadelphia, Bruce Springsteen - moving into my first flat. Nicola and I had one CD and we played it constantly while we moved in. Nicola my wonderful, funny, witty, Geordie flat mate who died far too young.

Theme tune to Thomas the Tank Engine - too many 5am mornings when Dalesboy was a toddler - what I wouldn't give for just one of those mornings now.

Baa Baa Black Sheep - Dalesboy at 2 1/2 responded to my Sister in Law singing Ave Marie at our wedding by running to the front saying "my turn now" and belting out Baa Baa Black Sheep.

And so it goes on - a piece of music for each and every time of my life - the good and the bad. Certain music can make me physically sick - I think it's a heavy bassline. Some music is just pure rubbish.

But when it's right - my whole body sings. I vibrate to the beautiful rhythm and soul hidden deep with a tune. I fly through the notes - on the wing through the high and sweeping down to the deep. Pure magic.

The playlist of my life - that's one heck of a mix tape.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Out of Step

Recently I've had a sense that things aren't 'quite right' and haven't been for a while. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.

I've been out of step with the rhythm of my life. I've been feeling overwhelmed and anxious - too much choice and not enough 'time'.

I've begun to think seriously about the reality I'm creating - particularly because in a couple of years time I anticipate some major changes.

So the reality I've been pondering will look something like this............
  • Small dwelling - off grid, near water, little bit of land a garden really - maybe in community maybe not - if not in community then near like minded people.
  • Grow veg, chickens, eat local, eat communally.
  • Create - spin, knit, weave, sew, write
  • Doula / Antenatal Teacher - supporting families during their pregnancies, birth and afterwards in many, many ways - classes, 1:1, Doula, birth art, natal hypnotherapy, homebirth groups.
Just thinking about it makes my soul sing - I can visualise the rhythm of the days, the swell of the evening, the change of the seasons, the smell of the rain, the warmth of the stove and the simplicity of the food - whilst in step with my tribe.

Of course some of that I already have - I spin knit and sew, I work with families during pregnancy and birth. It's not much but it's a start

So I know what I'm aiming for and each and every day I do one more thing that puts me closer to that reality.

I've been thinking and dreaming a lot during the last couple of weeks and I've noticed something happen. The more time I spend in the new reality the more in step I've started to feel, I've got the rhythm of that life. Even though it's not here yet it feels so right.

Sitting quietly this morning allowing my thoughts to wonder I realised what was wrong.

Eighteen months ago when we moved from the country to the town it was for all the right reasons and it's been a good move. Dalesboy can have the right amount of independence for a teenager and whilst we juggle four jobs between two of us being in town is useful.

But I've lost the rhythm of nature. The streetlights mean I only realise the passage of the Moon by the lunar calendar on the wall. I know the elderflowers are out because someone on facebook posts a picture. I know what the weather is doing because my phone tells me.

So in a couple of years time I'm looking to create my new reality in pace with nature, aligning myself with the rhythm of the seasons, the ebb and flow of the Sun and Moon.

Next step is to look for my tribe - I'm starting in Wales in July..................